Archie Movie - Scene #'s 3 and 4

INT. SUMMERS PENTHOUSE -- BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Sterling and Faith, naked, sweaty and breathless, collapse on her expansive, high-tech bed. 

FAITH: Oh my, Sterling Dear, you've somehow outdone your previous performance. In your hands, sex is an operatic aria. You just brought the house down.

ARCHER: Holy shit, I can't feel my legs. But all the other parts of me feel incredible.

FAITH: Hmm, one part in particular. Tell me, Darling, is your penis artificially enhanced or were you lucky enough to be born with a disposition for...a massive organ?

ARCHER: The second. I like to think of it as having the Wanamaker Grand Court Organ of penises.

FAITH: Excuse me?

ARCHER: It's the largest functional pipe organ on the planet. Well on this planet. It weighs in at two-hundred eighty seven tons and has 28,750 pipes.

FAITH: Oh my goodness, that is

 a large organ. 

ARCHER: Talk about laying a lot of pipe.

FAITH: No rope pushing allowed.

ARCHER: Exactly.

FAITH: You certainly know how to hit all the right notes. 

ARCHER: Thanks. I like to think of it as having and playing an organ of great note.

She laughs, kisses him.

FAITH: I would love to continue this pillow talk, Dear Sterling, but I'm simply exhausted. And judging by your, ah, excretions, you must be literally drained. 

ARCHER: I feel like the Social Security fund after the federal budget is announced.

She manages an exhausted chuckle. And then she's asleep.

CUT TO: INT. FAITH SUMMERS PENTHOUSE -- BEDROOM -- 60 MINUTES LATER

Faith is in deep slumber. Archer tosses and turns, then bolts up to sitting position. He looks around the spacious, unlit room. He presses a button on his SpyMaster watch. A beam of light shoots from the device. Archer shines it around the bed and walls, ends with illuminating Faith's nude, slumbering body.

She starts to snore. Archer shakes his head.

ARCHER: I should be so lucky. 

He lays down, fiddles around with the pillows on his side of the cavernous bed. Sterling closes his eyes. Two seconds later, they pop open. He flips onto his stomach. He shuts his eyes. 

MONTAGE OF ARCHER IN DIFFERENT SLEEPING POSITIONS.

Archer sighs, checks on Faith, who's sound asleep. He gets out of bed, looks around the room, snaps his fingers.

Sterling turns on light on SpyMaster watch. He bends over, moves the amber beam across space under the bed. Nothing but dust bunnies dancing above plush carpeting.

ARCHER: Shit. 

He hops up, keeps flashlight from watch on. Sterling marches out of the bedroom. He goes through the ornate living room and into the glorious, high-end kitchen. 

The lights come on as he enters the room.

AI VOICE: Good morning, Sterling. How can I help you? 

ARCHER: I was going to ask why you didn't come on yesterday when I came in here but obviously Faith changed the settings.

AI VOICE: That's exactly right. 

ARCHER: Okay, well you can't help me. I'm looking for where your employer, master, programmer, whatever, has her stash of booze.

AI VOICE: You are correct. I cannot help you because there is no stash to find. If Miss Summers had stashed a bottle or more anywhere in on the premises, my cameras and scanners would have 

recognized and stored the event in the system's memory bank. 

ARCHER: Shit, so definitely no booze around here?

AI VOICE: No. I'm sorry, Mr. Archer. But in the long run, you'll be happier without alcohol.

ARCHER: Yeah well guess what, soulless artificial-intelligence entity, we don't live in the God damned long run. We live in the present frickin' moment, and in this particular God damned present moment, I really, really, really want, no, forget that, I must have a drink. No, I must have a shitload of drinks. I would literally kill for a bottle of Scotch.

AI VOICE: (Distorted): That is unfortunate, Mr. Archer, because adding a felonious act to alcohol-withdrawal would only add much misery to your already miserable state.

ARCHER: Alcohol withdrawal? Oh is that why I can't sleep?

He falls to one knee, closes his eyes.

AI VOICE:  Yes. Typical symptoms include restlessness, anxiety, insomnia, accelerated heartbeat, and hallucinations.

Archer opens his eyes. He sees a combination of the alien from Alien, the shark from Jaws and a giant Gator standing in front of the Miele fridge.

ARCHER: Okay, is there anything else I should know about this condition?

AI VOICE: In severe cases, if not treated by a qualified physician, the condition can be fatal.

ARCHER: In that case, would you ask Captain Ripley to fetch the spaceship's medical officer? 

Faith rushes into the room. 

FAITH: Friday, what's going on with Sterling?

AI VOICE: In a word, actually two words, Delirium Tremens. 

ARCHER: Would you two stop speaking so slowly? It's driving me crazy. 

FAITH: Archer Darling, don't you worry, you're going to be fine. Friday, call nine one one immediately.

ARCHER: Friday, don't call nine one one. We can just fly to the hospital in this ship. I mean I assume a warp drive is much faster than any vehicle powered by an internal combustion engine.

#####

And that's the end of scene #4. So Archer fans, what do you think of the first four scenes? Does it have a chance with Adam Reed?

Archer Movie - Scene #2 - Archer's Naughty Night & Shocking Postcoital Discovery

Scene #2: INT. FAITH SUMMERS PENTHOUSE -- KITCHEN -- AFTERNOON

Archer, hair in uncharacteristic mess, wears only black, wrinkled turtleneck, rubs sleep from his eyes. He sighs, licks lips. His face lights up after he sees the enormous designer Miele fridge. 

"Oh sweet Jesus, island of chilled liquid refreshment, let there be tomato juice and spicy Bloody Mary mix and preferably celery. Olives would be nice but not a necessity."

He shuffles towards the fridge-freezer combination, which is built into the stainless steel wall. A liquor cabinet stands just to the left of the fridge-freezer combo.

"The main thing is the liquor cabinet is --"

Archer opens the door. It's empty except for two liters of non-alcoholic sparkling wine. Archer screams like he's been stabbed or shot.

"Almost empty and completely empty of the important stuff. What the shit, rich, hot lady?!"

https://youtu.be/UQN2R-9y6z0

Faith, a flimsy, nearly transparent white nighty, rushes into the kitchen.

"Oh my God, Hon', what's wrong?"

"I hate to break this to you, ah, um, incredibly hot and talented-in-the-sack lady whose name escapes me because of that last Green Russian, well and all the prior God only knows how many Green Russians I had last night."

"Faith Summers."

"Really? I would have figured you to be more of a Candy or Barbie, maybe Veronica. You know, as in Dean but half as old and a jillion times hornier."

She laughs seductively.

"Thanks but I'm Faith. And I have faith --"

"I put my faith in science and technology and rational philosophy."

"Let me finish, Darling. I was about to say I have faith you will finish explaining why you screamed."

"Oh yeah. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, Faith Summers, you have been burgled. You've also been buggered by yours truly but presumably while being buggered you were also burgled."

"Oh, so it didn't happen while you were down here by yourself? Good, I'm glad to know you weren't injured or anything like that."

"No, no, nothing like that. I didn't see it happen but some black-hearted, cruel and twisted SOB stole all your liquor. You know, your joy juice. Your fun liquids. I mean not your really fun liquid. Which by the way, some of which has soaked into my TactileNeck here."

He sniffs his shirt.

"Not that I'm complaining."

Faith laughs.

"No one stole my liquor, silly. Don't you remember? No, of course you don't. Those damn Green Russians rare their horrible heads once again."

She strolls over, shrugs off the nighty. Archer's eyes light up.

"At the club I told you I'd sobered up and that even though the odds were greatly against it, I hung out at the nightclub hoping to meet a man who either had given up boozing or would be willing to sober up in return for being with a woman of and named Faith."

"Oh. So why did I come home with you? I mean I was like five Green Russians to the wind, or something like that so I couldn't have been farther from sobriety."

"True but you did promise to, after this one last drunk, stop boozing and drugging so we can have a chance at love."

Archer stares at her like she just changed into a five-headed squid-like alien.

""And I said this out loud?"

"Yes, my darling."

She grabs him, plants a deep, long kiss on his lips, and the sticks her tongue into his mouth. Faith grabs his bare ass, forces their crotches together. 

"I'd like to say it's all coming back to me now but it so isn't. But the mind-blowing, marathon bedroom session is, not crystal clear but pretty darned close. And I will have to trust you on that other part. You know, have faith."

"Exactly, Archer dear. Enough talk. Let's get out my hardcopy Kama Sutra and see which one to tackle next."

"So there's not one bottle of booze anywhere in this huge, lovely penthouse?'

"No, Honey. Now come to the bedroom. Mama wants to get the shaft."

"Well okay but, so you don't have like a stash somewhere in the bedroom?"

"Nope,' Faith says.

"So no booze, like ever?"

She grabs him by the hand and they walk bare assed out of the kitchen.

"None whatsoever."

"My god, how do people live that way?"

"You're going to love it. In time."

                               
                                          ###

Next up: Archer sees God without using any of Krieger's special pills.

ArcherMovieGuy is Here!

I am writing a script for an Archer movie. I'm not sure if Adam Reed or either of the show's executive producers, Casey Willis and Matt Thompson, are planning to make a movie but if they do, I hope they seriously consider my script.

I am one of the show's biggest fans. I have watched every episode multiple times. I have written movie scripts but so far, they are, alas, thus far unproduced. But I have a great feeling about this one (spoiler alert: every writer says that about their new project).Just spit balling here, thinking out loud on my phone, about a title. I want readers to send me feedback on these:

• Archer: The Movie
• Archer Saves the World
• Archer & the Figgis Agency Save the World

To give readers s taste of the script, I will include parts of scenes in each post.So here goes, well something.

NOTE. For better readability and ease of writing, I'm not going to use screenwriting format here.

Opening Scene:

An obviously drunken Archer and Pam stumble into a nightclub. AC-DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long", blares from sound system.

"You realize in this song 'shook' means intercourse, ah, you know, of a sexual nature," a slurring Archer tells Pam."

"No fucking shit, Mr. Holmes. I assumed it wasn't about a really, really long earthquake."

"Whata Saywe have another Green Russian?"

"If this has Absinthe, sure. Otherwise the Four Horses of the Apocalypse."

"Yes, that is a stellar choice for Plan B."

The two stagger towards the bar as the music and aggravated raised voices from bar partons provides the perfect cacophony for seriously drunken customers. Different colored lights strobe off the duo's faces. Archer waves down a young Latino bartender.

"We would like two Green Russians, please."

A female customer named FAITH SUMMERS -- late 20's, blonde, prodigious boobs, perfect butt and face, wears tight white, short skirt and white, sequined velvet blouse with plunging neckline -- swivels around to face Archer.

"Do you really need another drink? It appears you're already quite intoxicated, darling."

She puts an index finger on the top of his black TactileNeck, then slowly lowers it, stops at his navel.

"You know, alcohol reduces a man's sexual prowess while it increases his sexual desires. It is like the Peanuts cartoon where Lucy gets Charlie Brown all excited to kick the football but takes it away at the last second."

Archer gulps as he stares at her chest, then face.

"Okay, total-but- totally-hot-stranger, what's your name?"

"Faith."

"Oh my God, you're so splooshy," Pam says. "So is that Faith as in 'keep the Faith' or 'share the Faith'?"

Archer elbows Pam in the stomach."Geez, I was just asking. I'm only human."

"Before I sobered up, it was often the latter but now it's the former."

"Really?" Archer asks.

"Another interesting side effect of sobriety is my sex drive is, how did the doctor describe it, oh yes, off the charts."

"If you've sobered up, what are you doing in a place like this?" Archer asks.

She traces an imaginary circle around Archer's navel.

"I like the atmosphere and ah, you know, I'm hoping to find the right man. But since the man would have to be sober, or willing to become sober, it seems like a silly place to hang around at."

"You know, I've been thinking about quitting drinking lately. I mean polluting your body with the poison that is alcohol --"

Pam cracks up. Archer elbows her once more.

"I'm serious. Not many, well actually no one but me knows that. But it's true."

Bartender sets the Green Russians on the bar. Archer gazes longingly at them.

"Well there's no time like the present to --"

"Have one last drink before sobering up."

Archer grabs the drinks, gives Pam hers. Archer raises his glass.

"Alright, let's have a toast to sobriety."

"I'll toast it but I won't engage in it," says Pam.

Archer slams down his drink.Faith grabs his arm.

"Ready to get clean? By getting dirty? Over and over and over," Faith says.

"I believe that was the most rhetorical question in the history of rhetorical questions."

They leave the bar.

"If you change your mind about sharing the Faith', call me," Pam yells.