Sterling and Faith, naked, sweaty and breathless, collapse on her expansive, high-tech bed.
FAITH: Oh my, Sterling Dear, you've somehow outdone your previous performance. In your hands, sex is an operatic aria. You just brought the house down.
ARCHER: Holy shit, I can't feel my legs. But all the other parts of me feel incredible.
FAITH: Hmm, one part in particular. Tell me, Darling, is your penis artificially enhanced or were you lucky enough to be born with a disposition for...a massive organ?
ARCHER: The second. I like to think of it as having the Wanamaker Grand Court Organ of penises.
FAITH: Excuse me?
ARCHER: It's the largest functional pipe organ on the planet. Well on this planet. It weighs in at two-hundred eighty seven tons and has 28,750 pipes.
FAITH: Oh my goodness, that is
a large organ.
ARCHER: Talk about laying a lot of pipe.
FAITH: No rope pushing allowed.
ARCHER: Exactly.
FAITH: You certainly know how to hit all the right notes.
ARCHER: Thanks. I like to think of it as having and playing an organ of great note.
She laughs, kisses him.
FAITH: I would love to continue this pillow talk, Dear Sterling, but I'm simply exhausted. And judging by your, ah, excretions, you must be literally drained.
ARCHER: I feel like the Social Security fund after the federal budget is announced.
She manages an exhausted chuckle. And then she's asleep.
CUT TO: INT. FAITH SUMMERS PENTHOUSE -- BEDROOM -- 60 MINUTES LATER
Faith is in deep slumber. Archer tosses and turns, then bolts up to sitting position. He looks around the spacious, unlit room. He presses a button on his SpyMaster watch. A beam of light shoots from the device. Archer shines it around the bed and walls, ends with illuminating Faith's nude, slumbering body.
She starts to snore. Archer shakes his head.
ARCHER: I should be so lucky.
He lays down, fiddles around with the pillows on his side of the cavernous bed. Sterling closes his eyes. Two seconds later, they pop open. He flips onto his stomach. He shuts his eyes.
MONTAGE OF ARCHER IN DIFFERENT SLEEPING POSITIONS.
Archer sighs, checks on Faith, who's sound asleep. He gets out of bed, looks around the room, snaps his fingers.
Sterling turns on light on SpyMaster watch. He bends over, moves the amber beam across space under the bed. Nothing but dust bunnies dancing above plush carpeting.
ARCHER: Shit.
He hops up, keeps flashlight from watch on. Sterling marches out of the bedroom. He goes through the ornate living room and into the glorious, high-end kitchen.
The lights come on as he enters the room.
AI VOICE: Good morning, Sterling. How can I help you?
ARCHER: I was going to ask why you didn't come on yesterday when I came in here but obviously Faith changed the settings.
AI VOICE: That's exactly right.
ARCHER: Okay, well you can't help me. I'm looking for where your employer, master, programmer, whatever, has her stash of booze.
AI VOICE: You are correct. I cannot help you because there is no stash to find. If Miss Summers had stashed a bottle or more anywhere in on the premises, my cameras and scanners would have
recognized and stored the event in the system's memory bank.
ARCHER: Shit, so definitely no booze around here?
AI VOICE: No. I'm sorry, Mr. Archer. But in the long run, you'll be happier without alcohol.
ARCHER: Yeah well guess what, soulless artificial-intelligence entity, we don't live in the God damned long run. We live in the present frickin' moment, and in this particular God damned present moment, I really, really, really want, no, forget that, I must have a drink. No, I must have a shitload of drinks. I would literally kill for a bottle of Scotch.
AI VOICE: (Distorted): That is unfortunate, Mr. Archer, because adding a felonious act to alcohol-withdrawal would only add much misery to your already miserable state.
ARCHER: Alcohol withdrawal? Oh is that why I can't sleep?
He falls to one knee, closes his eyes.
AI VOICE: Yes. Typical symptoms include restlessness, anxiety, insomnia, accelerated heartbeat, and hallucinations.
Archer opens his eyes. He sees a combination of the alien from Alien, the shark from Jaws and a giant Gator standing in front of the Miele fridge.
ARCHER: Okay, is there anything else I should know about this condition?
AI VOICE: In severe cases, if not treated by a qualified physician, the condition can be fatal.
ARCHER: In that case, would you ask Captain Ripley to fetch the spaceship's medical officer?
Faith rushes into the room.
FAITH: Friday, what's going on with Sterling?
AI VOICE: In a word, actually two words, Delirium Tremens.
ARCHER: Would you two stop speaking so slowly? It's driving me crazy.
FAITH: Archer Darling, don't you worry, you're going to be fine. Friday, call nine one one immediately.
ARCHER: Friday, don't call nine one one. We can just fly to the hospital in this ship. I mean I assume a warp drive is much faster than any vehicle powered by an internal combustion engine.
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And that's the end of scene #4. So Archer fans, what do you think of the first four scenes? Does it have a chance with Adam Reed?
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And that's the end of scene #4. So Archer fans, what do you think of the first four scenes? Does it have a chance with Adam Reed?
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